A Bar Scene from 1891

Written in 2016. First published in News and Views newsletter.

You are in an art gallery confronted by a painting. About A3-sized, the oil painting depicts a Parisian bar full of a dozen customers doing what they usually do in a bar in a style similar to Claude Monet and the like. Behind the bar is a honey-blonde woman serving the drinks with a perifereia of bottles behind her.

“This is one of the noted works of the lesser-known French artist Monet La Trencher – A Bar Scene from 1891. Part of the Neo-Impressionist movement, Trencher explored urban Paris…..”

“Rubbish!”

“Excuse me?”

“This is a fake.”

“And how would you know?”

“Because I am Monet La Trencher. Trencher never existed. I invented him.”

“Why?”

“Shut up, whoever you are. The gallery closes in ten minutes and I got a …"

“Good. Plenty of time for me to spot my deliberate flaws in this painting.”

“Deliberate flaws?”

“Of course. I put a few in to …”

“Just tell us, man.”

“Fine. Notice the youth drinking a coke.”

“Yes, the man holding the coke bottle.”

“That bottle shouldn’t exist in 1891.”

“But I thought coke was invented in the 1880s.”

“Yes, but that bottle wasn’t introduced until 1915.”

(Gasp all round.)

“And there’s more. Notice the bottle of Iron-Brew behind the bar maid. Didn’t exist until 1901. That sign in the background, the font I used is Century Roman, created in 1894.”

“Security!”

Two security guards arrive to drag “Trencher” away.

“The bar serves Strong Bow and Famous Grouse whiskey!”

“Sorry about that. Where were we?”

“He’s right, you know. According to my phone that coke bottle design was first introduced in 1915.”

“And that lass is wearing a fitness tracker.”

“that’s it. Tour’s over. Gallery is about to close everyone. Gift shop is on your right.”

Everyone leaves the gallery. 

The lights go out… 

and (thanks to some luminous dye) the words 

“actually painted in 2013 – Monet La Trencher” appear on the painting.

The Reading Penguin

Written in September 2017. First published in News and Views newsletter.

Imagine sometime in the future where space travel is as regular as air travel is today. Because of the distances involve they are space ferries in operation between the planets. As everyone knows, it takes forever to travel to Mars, so these ferries have facilities to make them as self-sufficient as possible and the trip comfortable. Things like automated farms, restaurants, a school, theatres, a library, a hospital and … a vet.

Yes, some passengers have bought their pets with them. On one of these vessels at any given time they are probably a dozen animals at these vet/kennel at any given time. A dozen animals, of all walks of life, including fish.

Now imagine that something happened to one of these vessels. Space can be dangerous, after all. What if an asteroid hit one of those vessels and killed everyone on-board …. Except the animals? (One got smuggled on board and was under quarantine, leading to the place been sealed off, saving their lives.)

So, here’s the question. With an endless supply of food, water and air, and no humans to guide them, how would they cope?

In an environment originally-built for humans, would these animals continue been “animals?” Could curiosity eventually allow them to work out how their life support systems work, and allow them to fix them if a fault occurs? Could that later go further, maybe allowing them to read our books? And if so, would they understand what they read? Would they learn from them? Would they use the knowledge we had recorded to build a new civilization? A society with laws and a culture like ours or something completely different? Something unique. Maybe they’ll create their own stories and literature. Maybe in some distant future, a descendent of a bird might be reading Penguin Island with hands that were once wings. Just a thought. 

Finding My Voice with a Guide for Hitch-hikers

According to one of those anecdotes that a person tells so many times that the person later forgets the actual event and only recalls himself telling the story, one night in 1971 a young man was hitch-hiking across Europe, like a number of young people did at this time, before hitch-hiking lost its "cool." On that night, this young man was drunk, lying down on a field near Innsbruck, Austria. He was looking up to the stars. Next to him was his copy of Hitch-hiker's Guide to Europe. He then had a thought - "Would it be a good idea for someone to write a hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy?"

This idea would form the basis of franchise that morphed from an idea about a comedy series where the Earth gets destroyed in the end of every episode. The result first aired on BBC Radio 4 40 years ago, leading to a series of books, a few stage shows (including one where the audience sat on a hovercraft), a TV series, a video game and a feature film, starring Martin Freeman. 

I bring up Douglas Adams' The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy here because, recently, I have been getting reacquainted with it. This is because BBC radio is in the mist of transmitting the whole radio series, plus a new adaptation of the sixth book. And with this, I have re-watched the TV series and film on DVD. So, right now my mind is brimming with ideas relating to manic depressed robots, the "Shoe Event Horizon," and super fast space travel made possible by a warm cup of tea.

Also, I have been looking inward to myself and my work. Been almost 30 does make you do that. For years (maybe since I started writing fiction back in 2003) you could say I was in my "finding my voice" phase of my artistic career.  A phase pretty much every creative goes through. You start off copying other people's work, dissecting it to find out why it works, and using that knowledge to improve your own. Finding originality is overrated - mostly by lawyers who specialize in intellectual property. If you marry this with a lot of practise you (eventually) get a true creative. But a potential creative in this phase can be vulnerable, so don't insult their work so called "friends." Leave the most serious criticism to people who really know their stuff ... and Simon Cowell.

Recently I began writing a big story. It was of an idea I had for years. (I wont's say what it is let) While I was doing so I realized something - I'm becoming Douglas Adams. Of all the sources of inspiration I have ever found (and I have found a LOT of inspiration all over the place) the works of Douglas Adams can be seen as the most significant. And thinking back its no surprise.

I first read his stuff back in high school. I was looking for a book to do a report on for English class and I found in the school library The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul. I found it interesting. The ridiculous situations with (some) logic, how technology is used in the story and how he describes things were things that stood out to me when I first read it.

I had heard about The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy some time earlier (in 2003 it was voted fourth most favourite novel in the UK in a televised survey). But it wasn't until the movie came out in 2005 that I finally got familiar with the story. Not long afterwards I read the books. It was by this time that the idea of the big story I just started writing was beginning to form....

I don't what to reveal what it is about right now. All I can say that its basically a fictional account of a world-changing event that happened in a cartoon I was watching back in 2005, caused by an object in a way that'll make the idea of tea been the source of creation of a new form of spacecraft propulsion look like a lead balloon.

As I began writing this story I noticed the Doug Adams hallmarks in my approach to storytelling - the ridiculous situations with (some) logic, how technology is used in the story and the long-winged way he describes things. They are there as clear as day. I can't deny it now. I'm becoming Douglas Adams.

Outside writing fiction, Douglas Adams does share some similarities to me, particularly on the subject technology. He was a avid fan of computers, especially the Macintosh. In fact, he is claimed to be the first person in Europe to own a Mac. He was an Apple fan boy long before it became cool and then annoying. 

It's a shame he died before he could see the iPhone. That device would have pan-galactic-gargle-blasted his mind.

Anyway, I must stop now. Time to grab my towel.

Invented Word 4 - Box-ticking Plot

Box-ticking Plot (noun) - A story plot deliberately written to tick boxes in some form of checklist. Such check lists can be from a focus group or the demands of fans of a franchise. Such plots can feel "forced" upon the writing of a piece of media and the reader/viewer can notice it.

The term came to me when I saw Anime America's review of the 19th Pokemon movie - Hoopa and the Clash of Ages. I have seen the movie before seeing this review, so I had an idea what Robyn was going to say about it.

(I tried to find the video in question, but I suspect Anime America has been struck by another copyright troll (again!).)

FOUND IT!!!!

The Time Car (2003)

With 2015 been the 30th anniversary of Back To The Future (and been the year Marty, Doc and Jennifer visited in Back to the Future Part II) Back to the Future was a huge feature in this year's cultural clout (along with that new Star Wars film... and Spectre... and the film adaptation of The Martian).

Even I managed to do something (on the McFly) on the very day we were supposed to all have hoverboards. (Those dangerous things you have been calling "hoverboards" aren't really hoverboards. They got wheels! I'm the few who never saw them as one!) And I did this drawing on the day as well during my Inktober challenge.

Drawing from Inktober challenge -

Featuring humanized Absol Indians.

With all this talk about Back to the Future (and Christmas coming up) I thought this is now a good time to show you all something (probably embarrassing) from my past .... 

The first ever piece of fiction I've ever written.

Originally called The Time Travellers (lame name, I know) The Time Car was a story based on Back to the Future starring characters from The Simpsons and Pokémon and some alternate version of me as Doc. (There is worse fan fiction out there). 

If you want to know how this "masterpiece" came to be and (what you really want to do after reading this) read the actual story, just click the link under this mandatory legal notice.....

For legal reasons I must say beforehand that anything featuring in this story that were created by others (e.g. Matt Groening, Satoshi Tajiri etc (I can't keep track of everything)) belong to their respected creators. Everything else (including how everything is combined here, as far as I know) is mine. I'll ever claim someone else's work as my own.

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