A Bar Scene from 1891

Written in 2016. First published in News and Views newsletter.

You are in an art gallery confronted by a painting. About A3-sized, the oil painting depicts a Parisian bar full of a dozen customers doing what they usually do in a bar in a style similar to Claude Monet and the like. Behind the bar is a honey-blonde woman serving the drinks with a perifereia of bottles behind her.

“This is one of the noted works of the lesser-known French artist Monet La Trencher – A Bar Scene from 1891. Part of the Neo-Impressionist movement, Trencher explored urban Paris…..”

“Rubbish!”

“Excuse me?”

“This is a fake.”

“And how would you know?”

“Because I am Monet La Trencher. Trencher never existed. I invented him.”

“Why?”

“Shut up, whoever you are. The gallery closes in ten minutes and I got a …"

“Good. Plenty of time for me to spot my deliberate flaws in this painting.”

“Deliberate flaws?”

“Of course. I put a few in to …”

“Just tell us, man.”

“Fine. Notice the youth drinking a coke.”

“Yes, the man holding the coke bottle.”

“That bottle shouldn’t exist in 1891.”

“But I thought coke was invented in the 1880s.”

“Yes, but that bottle wasn’t introduced until 1915.”

(Gasp all round.)

“And there’s more. Notice the bottle of Iron-Brew behind the bar maid. Didn’t exist until 1901. That sign in the background, the font I used is Century Roman, created in 1894.”

“Security!”

Two security guards arrive to drag “Trencher” away.

“The bar serves Strong Bow and Famous Grouse whiskey!”

“Sorry about that. Where were we?”

“He’s right, you know. According to my phone that coke bottle design was first introduced in 1915.”

“And that lass is wearing a fitness tracker.”

“that’s it. Tour’s over. Gallery is about to close everyone. Gift shop is on your right.”

Everyone leaves the gallery. 

The lights go out… 

and (thanks to some luminous dye) the words 

“actually painted in 2013 – Monet La Trencher” appear on the painting.

The Reading Penguin

Written in September 2017. First published in News and Views newsletter.

Imagine sometime in the future where space travel is as regular as air travel is today. Because of the distances involve they are space ferries in operation between the planets. As everyone knows, it takes forever to travel to Mars, so these ferries have facilities to make them as self-sufficient as possible and the trip comfortable. Things like automated farms, restaurants, a school, theatres, a library, a hospital and … a vet.

Yes, some passengers have bought their pets with them. On one of these vessels at any given time they are probably a dozen animals at these vet/kennel at any given time. A dozen animals, of all walks of life, including fish.

Now imagine that something happened to one of these vessels. Space can be dangerous, after all. What if an asteroid hit one of those vessels and killed everyone on-board …. Except the animals? (One got smuggled on board and was under quarantine, leading to the place been sealed off, saving their lives.)

So, here’s the question. With an endless supply of food, water and air, and no humans to guide them, how would they cope?

In an environment originally-built for humans, would these animals continue been “animals?” Could curiosity eventually allow them to work out how their life support systems work, and allow them to fix them if a fault occurs? Could that later go further, maybe allowing them to read our books? And if so, would they understand what they read? Would they learn from them? Would they use the knowledge we had recorded to build a new civilization? A society with laws and a culture like ours or something completely different? Something unique. Maybe they’ll create their own stories and literature. Maybe in some distant future, a descendent of a bird might be reading Penguin Island with hands that were once wings. Just a thought.